Saturday, September 19, 2009

When I Grow Up...

So, I'm beginning this blog because a friend urged me to practice the writing skills I paid thousands of dollars to attain. I was a writing and literature major in college and sadly have done little with my degree other than read and write lots of emails. To all the teachers who dedicated so much time reading my ramblings in college while offering patient suggestions on how I might become the next Hemingway, this blog is for you.

I've been thinking a lot about what I want to be when I grow up, which is ironic, because I'm a 23 year old college graduate with a job that could very well become a career. It's funny how your view of yourself changes over time. When I was 9, I wanted to be a Plymouth Plantation reenacter and live my life as a pilgrim. When I was 14, I wanted to be the next Mia Hamm and bring home a World Cup trophy. When I was 17, I wanted to be a summer camp director and spend my life going by the name Joey. And when I was 18 and thinking about college I wanted to be a teacher--first and elementary teacher, then a high school teacher, then a high school English teacher.

So, here I am a year post college and still wondering what I am going to do with that degree. The more I think about my interests, the more I'm convinced I don't want to be a teacher. I'm left wondering when I'll settle on a direction and finally be able to answer the questions, "Hey there little girl, what do you want to be when you grow up?" And, I say little girl, because in many ways I still feel like the dreamy 8-year-old looking at life with all it's possibilities. I also feel clueless and unsettled thinking by now I should have a good answer, but maybe to have an answer is to miss the point.

God works in each of our lives differently. Some feel a calling when they are young to one specific path or plan. You've heard the story about Billy who knew from the time he was 5 he was going to be an actor or Suzy who at age 7 dreamed of being a doctor. And Billy goes on to be an actor and Suzy goes on to be a doctor and I keep asking God why I can't be them. But, I'm not Billy or Suzy, and through all my changing dreams of life a few things have remained: I want to love God, and I want to demonstrate His love to others.

And here, I take a deep breath, because I'm realizing, I don't have to have my life figured out. God orders my steps, and as I seek him, He moves. It's almost exciting in a way not to know what the next chapter of life holds and not to have a concrete idea of where I'll end up. It's like waiting until Christmas morning to open your present--the promise is there, but you don't know what the promise is until finally your parents say, "Ok, you can open up your package." And, all in good time, God will reveal His plans for me as I keep seeking Him first and His kingdom.

So, for all you twenty somethings out there, still trying to figure out your life, know you're not the only one. God already has my life figured out, so I'm not going to worry about it.